I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
