I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
