my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
