First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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