Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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