3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
