The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
