GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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