I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on a dog bed..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So vagazzling was a success
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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