i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
