I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
