Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize