please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
