I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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