i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
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He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
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