True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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