I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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