Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
