Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
