Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
