if i can run in heels then i can drive
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
