i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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