Michael Bay diarrhea
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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