So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
