Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
