Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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