1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
