first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
