i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
