Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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