This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
