this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
