We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
