I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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