dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
