I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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