So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
