When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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