I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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