he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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