Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
