I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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