Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
