I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
