If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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