your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
