I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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