I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
