We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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