xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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