by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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