paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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