i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
