the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
