either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
