My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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