im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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