Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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