she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
