He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
