Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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