Welp...herpes.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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