ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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