My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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